This is hard...

  Wow, this is harder than I thought!  I was the one insistant on not telling family/friends about the pregnancy until we hit the "safe" territory, and I am the one struggling with it!  Ugh!!  So I took one final test today and within 30 seconds it was a very BOLD positive..no more of this faint maybe results.  So I decided it was time to make the call to the OB to set up my first prenatal appointment...thinking it would be the end of June they want me in, instead they say June 1st!  That is like 2 weeks away!??!?! This is way earlier than I have ever gone in before?  Of course, after making the appointment I remembered my cousin works in the OB office, so I had to quickly text her to call me and let her know NOT to tell anyone in the family at all!!!  Hopefully she will...hopefully I will.  I wanted to wait until July, at this point I am hoping to make it at least until after the first doctor appointment.

  It has been the hardest not to tell the kids.  Every month when Aunt Flo came I would cry for days and they would ask why.  I told them and they have been so supportive.  They really want another too and have even requested a certain sex (that they both agree on this time, like I can help that)  We have decided to order them t-shirts to wear to announce to the family & showing them the t-shirts will be our way of telling them.  So I just need to control myself until the order gets here!  So far things are going good...I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30.  We revised that to I wanted to be preggo by the time I was 30 & done having kids by the time hubby was 30.  I turn 30 early next month (so this was my last chance of conception before 30) and the approximate due date is 1 month before hubby's birthday!  Making myself sound even crazier...i don't rely on the chinese gender chart, but it was right for 2/3 of my kids and for all but like 2 of my many cousins.  This time around it says I am having the gender my 2 older kids keep saying they want.  Wow!

  My first 2 pregnancies went off without a hitch, by the book, etc.  My third pregnancy I developed gestational diabetes.  That was a wake up call that I was not doing what was best for me or my baby (not to mention I did not want a 12 pounder coming out).  I did much better taking care of myself, not probably the absolute best, but better.  I was able to control it on my own with no medications.  Because of the diagnosis they decided to induce just days after my due date to be safe...and I delivered my 3rd healthy child.  I have been so blessed to have all 3 of my kids healthy so I am scared that my "luck" is running out.  I am beyond ecstatic to be pregnant again, but cautiously so.

  On a separate note, while TTC #3 we have mulled over names and had picked out a boy & girl name since we didn't know what we were having until delivery.  We figured whatever name we didn't use would carry over to #4.  That is not the case...LOL  I am not such a fan of the boy name we picked as it is too similar to one of our son's names now and I have kind of fallen out of love with our girl name too.  One thing is certain is that this child will in some way have my maiden name incorporated into its name...probably as a middle name.  Basically our name picking stategy has always been...I say names I like & hubby says yay or nay, with not much more input then that--no matter how much i ask him he just says "I like the names you pick and would tell you if I didn't.".  Sweet huh? <3  Our kids names all mean something to us.

#1: I picked a name I always wanted for a boy (but spelled it "different") and his middle name is same as hubby's

#2: I had said without a doubt that this would be my girl's name--after a city that had always stuck in my head as beautiful (spelled "different" also) with my middle name (same spelling)

#3: We ended up with a name that just kept coming back in my head while I was preggo even though I didn't know what we were having beyond my mother instincts.  His was a little different on how we made it meaningful as we did not just want a straight up Junior.  The last 2 letters of his first name put together with his middle name = Hubby's name  Sounds complicated I know, but hey-it works for us. = )

#4: Beyond the maiden name thing I am drawing a blank.  We like to be different, but not so different that our kids would have a hard time.  I think tonight we stumbled upon our girl name...we like the sound of it & it is not a name you hear often (plus if you put too much thought into it the name is kind of like adding hubby's name to my middle name...but that is just my OCD talking)  The boy name we are struggling with.  We think of a name & wonder why it sounds familiar...and then remember a cousin, friend, etc has that name already.

  My one cousin has the same maiden name as me & named her daughter that already (probably why I no longer love it as a first name for us) and another cousin ended up preggo at the same time as me for #3, had a boy 6 days before me, and gave him the same first name as ours who was born a few days later!

  My new obsession with the name too is 6 letters.  All 3 kids have 6 letters in their first names, the name we like for a girl does too.  So now I need to find a boy name I like with 6 letters (but our top picks right now are 4 or 7 letters).  I like numbers and here is why I want another with that many letters... 6+6+6+6=24. 2+4=6 it is like coming full circle ... like it is meant to be.  My FAVORITE number is 23.  2*3=6   ; )

This is so long, but it feels great to have this outlet...
The Zookeeper

Wow what a Mother's day!

  After past years lacking in feeling special, this has got to be my best Mother's Day yet!  My day started out with my husband getting the kids ready and  I went to a very filling brunch with my husband and kids.  Even though I had to finish my work when I got home, I kept my window open so I could talk to them out front.  I even snuck outside a few times to play, talk, and help my daughter start to learn to ride her bike with no training wheels.  I finished work in time to even get a short outing to the park with all the kids!!  My gifts were them straightening most of the house (with dad's help!) and my husband cleaning my car (getting all the cheerios, etc out).  I only asked for the clean house so the car was a bonus! = )
  I was supposed to get a monthly visitor on Saturday, but she failed to appear.  I took a test first thing Sunday morning only to have a big fat negative.  Hours later I told my husband & pulled it out of the trash to show him and there was a faint line that wasn't there before.  After many tests when TTC #3 I know that normally a line does not appear (at least for me).  This sparked my curiosity so after we put the kids down for the night I took another...this one came back with a faint positive.  I went to bed so excited!  It took 10 months to conceive #3 and now it had taken another 9-12 months TTC #4.  When I woke up this morning, I being me, took a third test.  This test also came back with a faint line.  I went to add it to my "collection" to compare, only to find that the test from the night before had changed.  The faint line making it positive had DISAPPEARED!!!
  I spent all day upset & confused.  I still hadn't had my visitor, but what is up with these tests???  My hubby pointed out that while there were not expired, they were "cheap" ones (Dollar store & Walmart brand) and I had stored them in a bathroom cabinet so the moisture could have messed with them...maybe?  I, of course, took that to mean head out to the store & buy a name brand test.  I went with E.P.T.  That is what I used with all the other pregnancies...it is my "lucky" brand.  I mean how can you go wrong when the name of the test is ERROR PROOF TEST!  He wanted me to wait until morning...which I can still do since it is a 2-pack...but I couldn't wait.  I had to take one test tonight!

  The best gift for Mother's Day that I got was finding out I am pregnant!!!!  Obviously, it is only the size of a poppy seed right now & so much could happen.  We have always rushed to tell people.  This is our 4th (and probably last) pregnancy.  We want to revel in it, enjoy it, take it all in.  We are waiting to tell family & friends until the second trimester.  I am going to do my best to wait that long, but I think my kids might notice...maybe?  It will be hard, but I hope I can do it.  I waited until delivery to find out what #3 would be and I NEVER thought I could wait.  It was amazing not knowing and finding out at the end.  I found I am stronger than I knew.  If, by chance, someone who knows me reads this...please do not tell anyone.  Please respect our wishes. 

The Zookeeper

This is a first...

  So, here I am, doing something I never thought I would do...joining the world of blogging.  I don't have anything particular to say.  I don't think anyone will be reading this.  I need a place to "think aloud".  Not much for my first entry...I guess I am more of the dip your toes in the water kinda gal then the jumping in kind.  Now that I have started though, I think this could be a great way to get some of these thoughts out of my head!! 

Nighty Night
Zookeeper